When Two Become Three

Having just "become three", I picked up this book and was hoping to glean some insights into parenting, but mostly into marriage. This book proposes to encourage readers to "nurture their marriage after baby arrives." This is something that my wife was especially concerned about. We have been married for just over five years, and are the strongest in our marriage we have ever been. We did not want to lose what we had put so much time and effort into building. We also did not wish to be a couple that was defined by their child.
I am a firm believer that the best parents work more on their marriage, than their individual parenting skills. Dr. Crawford writes in a conversational manner about the various marital breakdowns that can occur after a baby comes into the picture. From communication (always a lurking problem - with or without baby) to parenting philosophy, to sex, Dr. Crawford helps couples not only get through the transition of a growing family, but actually helps couple strengthen their marriage through this.
If I were to put the book into one word that describes what needs to be done in your marriage when a baby arrives, it would be intentionality. Both partners need to be intentional about maintaining their covenant to one another and must continue to work on it, not resting on the work that has already been laid.
One criticism I would offer the book is one I would offer to most parenting books. Dads are parents too. Many of the books I have perused have "dad sections" where dads should at least read this portion of the book, if they are not interested in reading the rest of the book. I gotta tell you, it seems our culture complains about, but also perpetuates the mom is the main parent rubbish.
Dads are more than just a support for moms with the kids. Dads are to actively involved and hands on. I think that many dads are, but moms are seen as the primary care-giver for children. I was pleased to come across a blog-ring of stay-at-home dads (especially as I may soon become one myself) and would like to see more written about holistic parenting - in the sense that parents are equals and all involved - children and both spouses - look at it that way.

Now What?

With the due date of our first child later this week, I picked up, Now What? The Chapman Guide to Marriage after Children. It is a little book that you can easily finish in one sitting. Gary Chapman has made a career out of his theory of the five love languages, and has now added the concept of four "seasons" of marriage. I have read and found both books helpful - The Four Seasons of Marriage & The Five Love Languages - and this book was so small and so appropriate that I looked forward to hearing what Now What? had to say.
Dr. Chapman spends five chapters talking about the things which can cause strain in a marriage - discipline, finances, and schedules, as well as talking about the importance of simply making marriage a priority and what the key to maintaining or re-establishing intimacy is.
This is not a book on parenting - it is a book on marriage as parents. One of the things I read again and again is books by Christian authors as well as non-Christian authors is that the best parents are the ones who have a strong, healthy marriage - and continue to work on it. This is something that my wife and I have taken seriously, and even though we have a number of parenting books in our "to read" queue, the marriage books are the ones we want to give the most time and attention to - and not just now, but throughout the course of our marriage.
As far as Now What? goes, I would recommend reading the aforementioned Four Seasons of Marriage and The Five Love Languages. If you can find Now What? at the library, definitely check it out, but much of the material you can find in those books.

Other books relating to this topic:

When Two Become Three
Creating an Intimate Marriage
Becoming a Dad

i love you more

My wife and I just finished going through the i love you more book and DVD curriculum by Les and Leslie Parrott. The book is a revised edition of When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages. The premise of the book and curriculum is that problems will come into your marriage, and instead of them coming between you and your spouse, they can actually help you to grow closer to one another.
Using real life examples of other couples, (sometimes) helpful exercises in the workbook which are meant to let you access the state of your marriage, and an easy to read teaching style, the Parrotts show that love is not all you need - but that effort needs to be put in, and that spouses can tackle problems head on and come out better after them.
My favorite chapter was the one on building spiritual intimacy. In both the DVD and the book, the Parrotts discuss that you can do all the other things right, but without finding a way to be develop your relationship to God together, you will never be as close as you could be. They briefly look at Gary Thomas' book, Sacred Pathways (which I have heard nothing but good about and really need to read), and help couples find their individual "spiritual language". They also acknowledge that most couples do not share that language (at least the primary one), and my wife and I found that to be true, but also that our secondary language was the same. The Parrotts encouraged participants to find a way where you could connect with God together.
My wife and I would read a chapter, complete the appropriate exercises and then watch the corresponding teaching segment on the DVD. The teaching segment was unlike many others in that it was set up like you were observing a small group going through the material. The Parrotts had five other couples filmed with them and they went through their teaching and interacted with the other couples. There was also time where the DVD paused for viewers to discuss amongst themselves the topics.
Both my wife and I found this material helpful and hopefully will be able to incorporate it into everyday life.

The Love List

In 1 Corinthians chapter 7, Paul is talking about marriage. Paul says that he wishes everyone could be like him - single and single-minded in serving God's Kingdom, but that it is also good to marry. There are some people who get married because that is what's next after college. There are others who get married to not be alone. I am married because I cannot live without this woman I call wife. I love being married. For me, my life on earth began when I got married.
So I am always looking to improve our marriage covenant. The best resource I have found is that of Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott. I was first introduced to their ministry in our engagement class at our church in Michigan. We went through the book, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. Since then my wife and I have gone through a number of their books and studies (we are currently working through the i love you more curriculum).
The other day I came across The Love List. It is a small, unassuming book touting eight things that make a big difference in your marriage. I picked it up and found some fantastic thoughts in it. The eight principles are broken up into pairs of things you can do daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly.
My wife and I celebrated our 5th anniversary this past weekend and decided to do the yearly recommendations from The Love List. These are to look back on the past year and recount to one another the highlights, reliving them a bit. As much fun as that is and was, good marriages do not live in the past. So we took the other suggestion as well and plotted a course for the upcoming year. Where would we like to be (not physical location) on our sixth anniversary? What goals and changes would we like to make? What is our vision for this next year?
I found these and all the other suggestions very helpful and highly recommend the Parrott's to you as a great marriage resource.

The Complete Resource Kit for Marriage Mentoring

What is one of the best ways to raise up and develop new leaders in the church? Mentoring. This concept is crucial to leadership development. We seem to be in a leadership dilemma as far as marriage goes. According to Barna Research, Christians are just as likely to get divorced as non Christians. What is needed is for the church to train up marriage mentors to help strengthen marriages inside & outside the church.

That is where The Complete Resource Kit for Marriage Mentoring comes in. This kit developed by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott is a training ground for raising up marriage leaders within your church.

This tool will help you whether you are they only couple to start off mentoring or if your church will have a legion of marriage mentors. It also has helps for whether you are mentoring marriages about to begin, helping strengthening already good marriages or assembling the pieces of a nearly broken marriage.

Marriage Mentoring is when a more experienced couple invests in a less experienced couple to help them navigate the marriage journey. It is not about having it all together (no couple has everything put together), but about sharing pitfalls to avoid and avenues to pursue in marriage – from a couple that has been there & done that.

I was very excited about this curriculum as I was watching it. The steps laid down for training are definitely doable and something that is essential for the church. The kit comes with a book, The Complete Guide to Marriage Mentoring which has a myriad of helps and suggestions for mentors. Also involved are workbooks for both men and women mentors to work through. A DVD with 15 minute sessions is included and enhances the training as well as has promotional clips on it to show those who may be interested or to the church as a whole. Lastly, an idea book, 51 Creative Ideas for Marriage Mentors, comes inside & gives mentors multiple ways of enriching those you mentor.

Intimate Marriage Curriculum

Dan Allender & Tremper Longman wrote The Intimate Mystery to lay out the “matrix” from Genesis for understanding the mystery of marriage. From Genesis, they glean three concepts which every married couple seeking to honor God in their marriage should strive for – Leave, Weave, & Cleave. These three concepts, the authors believe further each couple to reach the goal of marriage, which is to grow in such a way that you reveal something about God and the Gospel to one another and this world.

Many couples do not think much about the direction their marriage is headed, they either attempt to maintain or strive for closeness & happiness. But as we look at the design for marriage, the authors say that we came not only to know the Designer, but also His plan. The concept this book and the corresponding curriculum want to get across is that you need to know the destination of your marriage. You cannot arrive anywhere until you know where it is you wish to go.

The leave, weave & cleave model comes from Genesis 2.24 – “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” The leave concept is not so much about physical leaving of parents, but that emotional tie & loyalty. (Your ultimate loyalty is to God, not a spouse or marriage). This leaving develops faith within the marriage. The weave concept is about knitting your lives to one another and placing your dreams and desires in the hands of your spouse, having vulnerability with your emotions. This weaving develops hope. The cleave concept is about being soul mates, having a level of intimacy and understanding which forms an impenetrable bond. This cleaving develops love.

The Intimate Marriage Curriculum Kit offers much more than your average curriculum kit. What is included is:

• The Intimate Mystery book
• Intimate Marriage Leader’s Guide
• 7 Bible Studies books (with 6 sessions each)
• 2 DVD’s with 3-5 minutes teachings from Dan Allender on each session from the 7 Bible Study books

The leader’s guide allows a church to make this series a church-wide experience with sermon helps, small group materials and promotional videos and materials. The 7 Bible studies go through a vast array of topics from sexual intimacy, communication and family ties. Each of the Bible study books also have leader’s guides in the back of each book, but are very simple and straight-forward to use.

This is a very engaging and interesting series with something unique and important to offer in the realm of marriage and relationships. I highly recommend this study. All the components are available within the kit or sold seperately.

Love Talk

When my wife & I were engaged, we went attended an engagement class at our church & went through Les & Leslie Parrott’s Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, We found it quite helpful & so I was hoping that Love Talk would be equally as helpful. However, we had also gone through The Five Love Languages in our newlywed small-group, and I was wondering if it was just the same basic info in a new light.

I was happy that Love Talk is totally different that The Five Love Languages. The book is quite helpful, but I am excited about taking my small group through the curriculum. I found it very insightful, and quite helpful in my marriage relationship.

The book and DVD are not meant to offer techniques on how to talk to one another, because then many couples would be more focused on the techniques than actual communication. They say that what they would like to get across is that feeling of couples being on the same page with one another. The basic thought they want couples to be able to do after going through this material comes from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People – “Seek to understand before being understood.”

One of the things that became clear for me was the difference between sympathy and empathy. Sympathy is when you try to put yourself in another’s shoes; empathy is when you attempt to understand how another views things from their own shoes. We all are created differently and even by putting ourselves in another’s shoes, we still will not understand what they are feeling, what thought processes they may be having. Only when we try to grasp things from their point of view will we truly come closest to understanding them.

Being understood is really what most of us are seeking. And who better to “get” us than our spouse? According to authors, “more than any other measure, couples gauge the depth of their connection by the satisfaction of their conversations.

How the authors offer to help the reader/viewer to understand their spouse better is by understanding one another’s emotional fear factors (which cause us to be guarded) and how that correlates to how we feel most comfortable communicating. That, to me, was the most helpful aspect of Love Talk.

Also available are workbooks for men and women, respectively. I didn’t find these as helpful. I imagine that for some people, thinking about it in exercise form will help them grasp it better, but the book and DVD was sufficient for me. The DVD has six sessions on it all around 10 minutes long and are very engaging and definitely a great addition to any small group going through the book.

iMarriage

iMarriage is one of the many small group studies put out by Andy Stanley & Northpoint resources. There is a study guide as well as DVD. Each of these group studies is broken down into 6 sessions which has an a 15-20 minute DVD segment per session. The DVD segments are taken from the sermons series of the same title by Mr. Stanley. The DVD also has the complete messages from the sermon series.
Each session is laid out as follows. Using the study guide, groups read an introductory paragraph or two & then watch the DVD segment. (Also available within the study guide is a overview of what Mr. Stanley talks about, in case you missed watching the DVD or are just using the study guides [not recommended]). Then there are 5-6 questions for group discussion regarding what Mr. Stanley just spoke about. These are followed by an action plan question for the upcoming week. Then there are 5 daily questions for each couple to talk about with one another to keep things in mind.
If you are only going to use one or the other resource, I would recommend the DVD. This has Mr. Stanley's talks as well as the 5-6 group questions which can be shown on screen. Mr. Stanley is quite a good communicator & easily keeps the attention of the listener.

The whole point of iMarriage is that to have a fulfilling, God-honoring marriage, each spouse needs to leave their expectations & put the others desires ahead of their own. We all go into marriage with desires of how we would like things to be. The problem arises when we transfer those (often) good desires into expectations. Mr. Stanley discusses how detrimental this can be to a marriage & what to do about it.

An excellent resource for small groups, but also one which couples can use easily enough together.

Pick up the DVD here for 20% off. The study guide is 20% off here.
All of Northpoint's studies are here for 20% off.


Category: Marriage, Bible Studies

When Two Become One

My wife & I just finished going through the McCluskey's book When Two Become One: Enhancing Sexual Intimacy in Marriage. We both found it helpful in a number of ways. The McCluskey's are sex therapists & deal with couples who are on the brink of divorce to those who are just looking for something to revitilize their marriage. They share a number of stories of clients who came in for advice & how they can restore intimacy (esp. sexual intimacy) in their marriage. The benefit of this is that many times if you have a problem within your marriage (esp. one of a sexual nature) you are very unlikely to ask for advice, or share that with someone else to find help. So the benefit of these stories are that they make you realize that many people have similar issues you & your spouse have, or that couples all struggle in one way or another. Your marriage is not alone in its struggle.
One of the main concepts the McCluskey's try to get across is that sexuality is something we must take from the devil & claim for God. They say, "remember that we are claiming back sex from the enemy. He has perverted [sexuality]...Claim[it] back for you & your husband."
The McCluskey's break the book down into three sections. First is the overview. What is the problem, why the problem is so difficult to fix, & the real plan that God has for sexuality in marriage. The second section is their model for sex. The call it the "Lovemaking Cycle". It involves four distinct progressions which all need to be given adequate attention for the entire cycle to go smoothly. The final section deals with real questions which they have been asked by both men & women in regards to sexual intimacy & the McClusky's responses. You will more than likely not find every question applicable, but many of them are.
A good use of this book would be for pastors to use when counseling couples of all age ranges & experience. It is quite a helpful work & is also ideal for individual couples to go through. At the end of each chapter, there are four questions for the coulpes to ask one another & to discuss. These are probably worth the price of the book itself. My wife & I found that just discussing this openly with one another is helpful, & these questions provide an excellent starting point for that communication.

You can purchase this book for 20% off here.


Category: Marriage

The Four Seasons of Marriage

I recently finished The Four Seasons of Marriage & overall, I enjoyed it. It is not the most profound book, nor is it the best book on marriage, but Dr. Chapman does raise some good issues within its pages & speaks to them quite well.
The overall premise of the book is that each of the four seasons represent four seasons in marriage. Dr. Chapman says that marriages are always in a state of motion, from one season to another, not as predictable or regularly are seasons in nature, but quite similar. To understand the seasons is to be able to thrive & survive them. Dr. Chapman begins the book by describing each of the four seasons & offering a "Seasons of Marriage" profile for you & your spouse to take.
Dr. Chapman then gives seven strategies to help you no matter what season you are in. Whether you are trying to survive difficult times (fall or winter) or maintain the joyful times (spring or summer). The book is filled with stories (if you are into that kind of thing) & practical advise.
Again, it is not on par as his Five Love Languages, but still a good resource.

You can pick this book up at 20% off here.

Category: Marriage